today has been pretty uneventful. only 3 phonecalls in the past 4 hours, quick ones. i'm suprised sometimes that i can handle this absolute silence and solitude for so long. the flourescent big brother, ever so diligent so make this little box even more plasticy than it is. hey i know what you're thinking... he sounds unhappy and he hates his job. oh on the contrary. this place is great. my mind is a playground of sounds and sights. i have lots of time to read and ponder the nature of the universe. i usually end up spending alot of that time piddling around doing stupid shit on the internet or daydreaming about superficial stuff and writing run on sentences. but overall im surviving and i like it :)
ive been working on my level of perception lately, yea it sounds dumb huh - but i've never really looked for deeper meaning in things until now. i have this curiosity that is starting to grow inside of me. i didnt see it before though... i just thought i was stupid and there was so much about this world i didnt know or understand. it really depressed me at times, and made it hard to interact with people on lots of levels. i see salvation from that feeling through curiosity, and it feels good to be out of that.
something else bothers me sometimes. i get these visions of stupid shit i've done in my past. it ranges anywhere from little stuff like saying something mean a few months ago, to worse things when i was younger. i know i'm a totally different person than i was then, but whenever i think of something like that, a part of my body gets tense. my hand will squeeze or my foot will twist. nothing painful or anything - just my mind physically exerting itself through an action. i think i might have done it once, and it's happened ever since. maybe once every few days. yea im a freak or something. maybe talking to this computer about it will help me work on it. it's not a big problem really - it's just that my first reaction is always that - before i even realize it. go figure...
i am finally feeling good about the music i'm writing though. there's a vibe and it's almost working like i want it to. it's too bad the time i have most of my creative energy is always away from my computer/synth. i have a little peice of paper now that i take notes on and keep in my wallet. i spend alot of time pacing around this little office room conjuring up sounds and taking a few notes here and there. my girlfriend amanda calls me one of those human beat boxes. i dunno i just always have a beat going through my brain. usually thumping between 140 and 150 beats per minute (bpm)
well i just popped over to my other browser to go through some 604 messages. i feel better. alot... lighter and more free that i just wrote all this. it's funny - because before i even though about address anyhting that i did in this entry i set my 'current mood' to -refreshed-. i dunno maybe it was a message from the future or some more intelligent way of describing something like that.
i think i'll end on that note. i really hope everyone out there in internet-land doenst think i'm a fuckin nutcase :)