[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Friday, November 23rd, 2001|
|i broke my dream
well here i am at work, all cracked out on painkillers and pain from this headache. so i try to get a little sleep to dull the golfball doing the macarena in my skull.
so there i am, dreaming. some other stuff which wasnt very memorable happened so i wont bore you with the vagueness. the last part is what i really enjoyed because it was the first time i can think of that i realized i was dreaming.
i was sitting in a chair in a classroom with 2 or 3 other people. one was the teacher for that room. i somehow remember walking around that little school area and going into that classroom and sitting down. i had my feet up on a desk and was chillin quite nicely, talking to the ppl about something. then i looked at the clock on the wall. i couldnt really relate anything to the time on the clock on the wall, or even the time of the clock on the wall, so i decided to look at my watch. as i tried to pull back the sleeve of my shirt, the entire reality of my forarm and hand were run through gaussian blur in photoshop and i couldnt make anything out. then i remembered the guy in waking life talking about how details and fine print and clocks are hard to make out when you're dreaming. i sorta looked around for a second as the realization set in. then i just closed my eyes and told myself to fly, and my butt lifted off the chair, i felt my legs hit the desk i was sitting at, and i hovered there for about a second before i WOKE UP. *dammit*
it was so totally fun and amazing :D i cant wait till the next time i sleep Current Mood: excited
|Friday, November 16th, 2001|
|Thursday, November 8th, 2001|
well, we've been labelled. newsweek and msnbc say we're 'generation 911'. we grew up easy and now are faced with a new world. yea i never realised that one. all this time i was thinking everything would just blow over.
well japan is in the fray of the worlds royal rumble. this is the first time since ww2 they've acted militarily outside their own territory. i can imagine, 'tomahawkchi' cruise missles painted like pikachu that need to be interacted with and fed with otherwise they find new targets or advertise thier control frequency.
it's good to see these poeple taking time out of their very busy schedules to make a difference. Current Mood: mellow
|Tuesday, November 6th, 2001|
i encourage the powers that be to do the math Current Mood: creative
|Monday, November 5th, 2001|
while listening to mouse on mars, i decided to check them out on everything2.com. did you know they met at a death metal show? :D i also learned, in relation to 'mars' that some ppl in scotland eat deep friend Mars bars? there's just something unwholesome about that beyond a level beyond nutrition.
well, i managed to be a hermit all day sunday (you're welcome room mates :D) and play with noises till the wee hours of the morning. this is the farthest i've come with music in a while. i beleive alot of it may have to do with coffee. most of my crazy ideas i get come when i'm drinking coffee at work, but this was the first time i've been home all amped out and with a decently working computer to vente my latte through (ohh did you get the double word score?)
oh yea, and...
mother fucking TOMAHAWK in the mother fucking mother fucking house
patton is the doom diggity snipsnap sack Current Mood: other
|Monday, October 29th, 2001|
click info click info click info lick in fo kill ick fin off oh h h h . . . . .
pretty ________ weekend for senor carl. had a quirky time in north county with a bounty of shore and tenfold more. i made the descision not to halfass a costume at the last minute in an attempt to hold on to a little dignity, whatever that is. my lack of motivation lately around others is lifting, it's just been hard for me to get into much of anything beyond my soundwaves. Waking Life was a refreshing chunk of stimuli. it was _______ to hear people talking about things i've been thinking about and experiencing recently in my dreaming and waking states.
the halloweenie party was rather enjoyable. i drank a tad quick and was pretty dizzy for the latter part of the evening. the floor felt comfortable, tho i do not know if it was me or the floor.
nat sherman built my hotrod.
|Wednesday, October 24th, 2001|
'We've made it very clear to our enemies that they cannot kill our soldiers. now they are killing us.'
|luna sea wazhing ovrr me e e e e e . . . . . .
i also took the test
twice ala bryan, and one was UU and this one's mahayana. the seperating factor was whether i had a really concrete spiritual opinion about things like homosexuality or abortion in general. i dunno. who can really spiritually generalize anything like that =) it would have been more balanced if they asked if you liked pancakes or read comic books too.
1. Mahayana Buddhism (100%)
2. Theravada Buddhism (97%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (92%)
4. Hinduism (85%)
5. Liberal Quakers (76%) i do not play quake liberally, thank you.
6. Neo-Pagan (75%)
7. Taoism (75%)
8. New Age (71%)
9. Jainism (69%)
10. Scientology (58%)
my job sucks, but it's also cool. just thought you might wanna know Current Mood: sore
|Wednesday, October 17th, 2001|
|My MMORPG Is A State Of Mind My MMORPG Is A State Of Mind My MMORPG Is A State Of Mind
what have i gotten myself into. yea yea i know you think i'm just victimizing myself, but screw off. this is a major problem in australia. they always give it to you the first time for free, and then you keep wanting more and more. i suppose i should probably cancel it tomorrow, i can't really afford to play it as much as i have been. and i could really only justify spending that much time playing a game if my friends were also. Edgar Allan Poe posed the question that what if all we see was only a dream within a dream? that sure makes it easy to allow yourself to dive into something like AO full time. maybe that's why they quoted him on their site =) it's alright though. there are other things on the horizon as far as gaming is concerned. neverwinter is, in fact, NOT vaporware =) it is coming, and there will be bread. i like drugs, but i like free drugs even more. here's a little Q&A with the NWN dev team if you want some new info
the gnomes have learned a new way to say hooray. it's a device that adds +3 to all roles dependant on intelligence and charisma. but you have to be at least level 7 to wield it. Current Mood: geeky
|Friday, October 12th, 2001|
|day to day
after reading Calvins post, I have to say you're pretty strong for being able to cope with all of what's going on.
i rememeber in sebastopol when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. i couldnt really beleive it was happening. but she went to the hospital and had a portion of her breast removed. she was recovering fine, but they found more cancer. they had to go and remove the whole breast in another surgery. it was one of the hardest things i've ever had to deal with, even tho i didnt do very much to deal with it at the time other than smoke lots of weed and not give a shit about anything.
the recovery was pretty difficult. another doctor, a very nice man who was very good with her, helped her rebuild her breast. she was very greatful for what he did, then someone came into his office and shot him dead. it was near shattering again for my mother as she was just starting to get her life back. no one really knows who did it or why they did. but i guess people put alot of trust in you if you're a reconstructive plastic surgeon.
but i ask myself, where i was for all of this. i still really regret not being more supportive of her and putting her through everything i did while i lived there. she didnt place any restrictions on me at all, so i ran free. very very free. i've told her i'm sorry for not being there and for making her deal with so much extra bullshit because of me. but she says it's all ok, and that it was a hard time for all of us, with our family having just seperated. i think she understood what what happening and just let things flow. i know how much she cares about me and i know that must have been hard for her to do. it's just very surreal to think back on it all now.
and to calvin i say you have a wonderful opprotunity, to be able to understand what your mother is going through and help her out. you're a good friend to all of us, and i know you'll follow your heart. Current Mood: almost caffeinated
|Wednesday, October 10th, 2001|
|fahren fahren fahren
we watched a rather interesting show about the source of hatred towards america in the middle east last night on pbs. it's near impossible for me to trust anything anyone says anymore. everyone either has interests to protect, or wants to sound like they have something relative to the situation they can tell you that you can count on. what is see is that this is far too complicated to package up and spread into the minds of the american public as easily as the other news they get.
rollie's back in town =D i hope he can handle living close to his parents again now that he's so used to his independance. i suppose he to shall discover just the right about of times you gotta go visit them for them to be happy and for you not to go insane. only kidding, my dad's not too bad, aside from the whole hardcore military thing i think he's a decent guy. after all he did put up with me for quite a while.
finally got off my arse and formatted my system, rejoice! woo i hate computors. i really think i'm a mac user at heart and i'm just fooling myself. i hope everything works ok, if not i'll probably just burn the whole thing or turn it into a percussive instrument.
i love our cats, i'm glad they let us live in a120. we're very fortunate.
|Sunday, October 7th, 2001|
|...steady as she goes...
...steady as she goes. the wind in my sails was full of a power i could not describe. only the horizon for as far as my eyes could see. i bore the flag of my tribe with unquestioned fervor and righteousness. i feared no storm of intensity, or dulldrom in the farthest reaches of the sea. and i payed the price of flood through the hull, parching drought in the crew that manned my vessel, and loss many a hand. the ropes for the sails of my ship of old start to break away, each with a plucking pang of what it was, and what it supported. as they fall from what they are anchored to, i see clear view of my new port for what it is and what it was unloading from me. my precious cargo, pillaged and destroyed in ways i cared not to see from my farsighted crows nest. the treasures contained so misused and squandered.
i've taken what's needed and left the rest behind for others. the sails have fallen to the water and the crew have left their posts. i voyage now in new vessels which to carry me on a newfound journey. vehicles divinely crafted in the wood of the earth and the strength of a heart which knows discovery and divinity. this freedom carried comes at a price. the discovery purchased with the currency of divinity. for what is around each corner will only be as it is, and nothing more or less. the sorrow and joy are radiated in the duality of my new port and starboard. yet i move onward with a gentle tap of the rudder, for this wind that carries me blows only in one direction. steady as she goes...
|Saturday, October 6th, 2001|
|Friday, October 5th, 2001|
i hear about words losing meaning if you say them over and over enough times. but i think Sick will always be Sick. some rather sneaky induvidual parked a cement truck in my sinus cavity last night. tea and popsicles have really helped the throatular aspect of it, and i appear to be getting better. i think it was the cigarette smoke burning off all the scilia in my respitory system that started all this. i didnt like smoking as much as i was anyway.
well tonight is the end of our 5 day mission. this star trek marathon has been a blessing and a curse in one. i love star trek so much, TNG has to be the one of the best tv shows ever. but at the same time i really dont like watching tv that much. it'll all be over tonight though, and with a bang. the final episodes are sooo good =) bah what am i saying, there are no bad TNG episodes. i wish i could say that about other star treks though.
i've been picking up my guitar again. it's tuned somewhere below C now, no idea where exactly. it sure sounds good through the disortion and bass chorus pedals. maybe something with actually come of it this time now that i have a way to record through the dj mixer without feedback from the the computer. psytrancemetalcorecore! Current Mood: drained
|Wednesday, October 3rd, 2001|
|cat thoughts.c > /jer/null
ode to caffeine...
i drink you, you are in me. you instil a desire to speak all letters of the alphabet at once, and yet i have only one monophonic mouth. you are the fuel that powers the InCommies.
funnyfunny stuff happened yesterday. my boss is always so secretive about his other business ventures. so some guy calls up and talks to john (my coworker) and asks us to stop billing him for the pr0n he signed up for. the creditcard company traced the bill to our billing address and this url came out of the woodwork.. http://dating.incom.ru
!! The finest Russian sex slaves wanting citizenship in the usa... err i mean 'Brides'
and our company is called 'InCom'? i'll hold the puns back if you will =o Current Mood: english has no word for it
|Thursday, October 19th, 2000|
wow - good old deathclock.com
i'd have to say this is a really fun website. the act of watching your own estimated time to live deteriorate second by second gives you a newfound sense of motivation. motivation to do what though? well i'll keep the amount of funky tangents to a minimum today. i'm feeling somewhat chipper. i just ate a grapefruit, i used to hate those things so much - but i've eaten 2 now in my life all by themselves and i'm gettin used to them.
welp ebola is back. kinda makes me think about the balance of power in the world. here i am, concerned about hangnails and RSI... and people in africa are being liquidated from the inside out. 'funk that' i say. why cant we stop these situations form starting in the first place. i'd really like for these people to have proper water and agricultural facilities... but i know that almost always leads to WTO/World Bank/IMF involvement. i should just go over there and yell 'OIL' and then we'll see how much help comes.
yea i knwo you dont want to hear it. you've got your own problems right? i know where you're coming from. numero uno is the person i tend to watch out for primarily too. but this americanized apathy towards human suffering just has a 'bad vibe' to it for me. yea yea quotation marks and the V word... you can bite me mmkay.
what's up with these Hitler Comedians? why do we fall for laughing at things that we know we dont agree with or find funny. when dennis leary smokes 5 cigarettes over the course of 1 joke about clubbing baby seals - everyone is somehow dumbfoudnedly attracted to it. why is this unsteered anger so attractive in todays society? he could walk up to someone and call them a fucking fuckface fucker and they'd be entertained at their own expense. are we so numb that we need other people to get pissed off for us? at anything? even cute litle seals? i know i've got alot to be bothered about, or at least concerned with on a serious level. who knows, maybe we're supposed to channel our angst into these figures of pissyness. i know i always get excited when lewis black is on the daily show... even though he does make as ass of himself, at least in my eyes, on nearly every sitting.
of course this all pales in comparison to the stress releif outlet that is quake3arena. i send my thanks to id software for creating such a chaotic masterpeice of frags and gibs. there's just something about rocket jumping off of someone's head in mid-air and making them explode into little peices that makes me glad i can operate these computer contraptions. Current Mood: chipper
|Wednesday, October 18th, 2000|
|it's a great big universe...
well here goes my first journal entry... i hope it's scattered enough for you. hopefully things will become more coherent as i do this more...
today has been pretty uneventful. only 3 phonecalls in the past 4 hours, quick ones. i'm suprised sometimes that i can handle this absolute silence and solitude for so long. the flourescent big brother, ever so diligent so make this little box even more plasticy than it is. hey i know what you're thinking... he sounds unhappy and he hates his job. oh on the contrary. this place is great. my mind is a playground of sounds and sights. i have lots of time to read and ponder the nature of the universe. i usually end up spending alot of that time piddling around doing stupid shit on the internet or daydreaming about superficial stuff and writing run on sentences. but overall im surviving and i like it :)
ive been working on my level of perception lately, yea it sounds dumb huh - but i've never really looked for deeper meaning in things until now. i have this curiosity that is starting to grow inside of me. i didnt see it before though... i just thought i was stupid and there was so much about this world i didnt know or understand. it really depressed me at times, and made it hard to interact with people on lots of levels. i see salvation from that feeling through curiosity, and it feels good to be out of that.
something else bothers me sometimes. i get these visions of stupid shit i've done in my past. it ranges anywhere from little stuff like saying something mean a few months ago, to worse things when i was younger. i know i'm a totally different person than i was then, but whenever i think of something like that, a part of my body gets tense. my hand will squeeze or my foot will twist. nothing painful or anything - just my mind physically exerting itself through an action. i think i might have done it once, and it's happened ever since. maybe once every few days. yea im a freak or something. maybe talking to this computer about it will help me work on it. it's not a big problem really - it's just that my first reaction is always that - before i even realize it. go figure...
i am finally feeling good about the music i'm writing though. there's a vibe and it's almost working like i want it to. it's too bad the time i have most of my creative energy is always away from my computer/synth. i have a little peice of paper now that i take notes on and keep in my wallet. i spend alot of time pacing around this little office room conjuring up sounds and taking a few notes here and there. my girlfriend amanda calls me one of those human beat boxes. i dunno i just always have a beat going through my brain. usually thumping between 140 and 150 beats per minute (bpm)
well i just popped over to my other browser to go through some 604 messages. i feel better. alot... lighter and more free that i just wrote all this. it's funny - because before i even though about address anyhting that i did in this entry i set my 'current mood' to -refreshed-. i dunno maybe it was a message from the future or some more intelligent way of describing something like that.
i think i'll end on that note. i really hope everyone out there in internet-land doenst think i'm a fuckin nutcase :) Current Mood: refreshed